4-26 West side vs East side

Arriving early this morning into Burbank, i had forgotten what it's like.
Not that i've been in New York for that long,
but the vibe and people are so different.

I automatically felt it.
It's amazing how environment has so much effect on the centripetal force
it's great to be back, but it's also very diff.
and i don't know if it's in a good or bad way

i just started getting accustomed to New York


i haven't had a bum sighting yet, whereas in new york, it's inevitable.

also everyone here has great bodies! i forgotten about that. makes me want to hide.

4-23 one year ago, diff. place

A year ago, i was on the street roofied out on Hollywood Blvd. I was also emotionally controlled by a guy whom I had strong feelings for as much as i denied it.

Present time, remembering that day, made me smile. Even though it has only been a little over a week, i'm so proud of myself. I had finally let go of my cancer. It's good when you see that you're finally was strong enough to let go of someone you had held so high up in your life, but was incredibly damaging to your self-respect.

This sensation that brings my smile is worth so much. i will NOT find myself back in that place on the streets of Hollywood Blvd scarred by that day and whom i always refer that day to.

4-20 memory stays in our untapped storage

i woke up this morning fresh from dreaming. In my dream, i was talking to this girl (whom in reality i have awkward feelings about and have a weird history with) who was trying to say something in Chinese and having me figure out if i can tell the difference between two Chinese dialect. In this dream, we were reading off a paper with chinese words and a few ping ying. Anyways, she started reading words and some of these were really really hard ones. Not your every day words. My puzzlement when i woke up was, how was i able to know this in my dream. I mean i know in my life i have heard these words before, but i can't say it back to you now for the love of god, because I believe i didn't retain it. But now i'm questioning, do you think that in our mind, everything we've come in contact with in life stays in our memory, but a lot of it is just stored up in a space where it's untapped because it's so hard to get to. But in your dreams, somehow, that untapped space is opened up and used??? OR the other alternative, is possibly, dreams are such a mystery in its content that what I thought was real, like what i thought was the correct saying of the word wasn't really in my dream, but my mind just told me it was. That my mind made me believe something else was happening.

Personally I like to believe my first theory. how great is that, it gives me hope that i actually own all my memories/knowledge, that it's not lost. But just untapped. but somehow I might be able to train myself to tap into that storage space inside my head because in the end, it's there.

Ofcourse, in my dream i also do remember that when this girl told me "i'm (something that idon't remember, i think some sort of Chinese nationality), oppose to what your dad might of told you." Now this girl i know in reality does NOT know my dad and when she was telling me this, i know whom she was actually referring to from a feeling i had in my (heart?)/(gut?) and it was this one guy that's our 2 degrees of separation and reason for why she was probably in my dream. But in the end, i do remember that she said "dad". Now why would my mind dream such a contortion?

I guess that show my memory is not as reliable in my dream when it can make absolute nonsense at the same time.

4-19 When you drown out the noise...

I sat down on the L, a guy in a long black wool coat stood in front of me. A cart full of strangers forces you to isolate yourself somehow and go into this deep space of your own solitude and thoughts. It also forces you to focus on specific matters/objects. The man in front of me had wrinkles on his coat, but only the lower half. The upper half of his coat was completely smooth and ironed. It causes me to think, was he sitting down in the previous train? This continued to fascinate me till my A-C-E transfer. I'm perplexed to see how when you silence something, you gain sight of something else. Focus is nice sometime in the busyness of new york and life in general.

In some eerie parallel, i have found myself very recently needing to silence a bad part of my life, so that i can gain sight of something better. There's something about that phrase of "sometimes you have to let go to move forward." forward is a good place to go. i could not of made a wiser choice.

wool coat to important life decisions. who would've ever thought.



Something else that caught my attention today, ever notice those plastic bags that always get caught in trees. I don't know why, but they always catch my attention and i feel like there's something to figure out about that. I still have yet to figure that out, but it makes me just stand and stare. I feel like there's so much character in that one lonely plastic bag blown about from the wind, but still manages to hold on to that leafless tree branch. That's character there. If plastic bags had soul, that would be human resilience.

4-18 the bubble blower

As I rode the subway home from work tonight, I sat across from a guy in an orange lined and green shelled puffy jacket who blew saliva bubbles throughout my whole ride.

it was beautiful. to see him in his own world, taking what's inside of him and blowing it out to the world.

sometimes i wish i can be as carefree and caught in my own world of child happiness. taking a simple hobby and delivering it in public. wonder if i ever did that in my life....

Genesis

While i still have the ability to see, I choose to be bewildered and amazed by everything i set my eyes on.
I chose to grasp from observations.
In New York, it is a visual nirvana where I have unlimited characters to thrive on.
I hope to capture an essence of memory each day from a vision