can't be good...

It can't be good when you walk in and put in an order for your sandwich and the guy behind the counter looks up at you and says "oh yea..u mean your usual."

sigh....i put my head down in shame.

me, myself, and I.

I know I have problem with people very often in life. Many call me easily irritable. I agree. I don't despise them and wish bad upon people, but i do admit, i sometimes hate people . IN general, as a whole, well and sometimes individually. But it lasts only as long as that moment of irritation lasts. Anyways, I came to a realization through being in NY and constantly around so many different characters and individuals that I love them in the sense that I love watching and observing and taking it all in. But when it comes to actually talking to them, i can't. Love and acceptance isn't so easy anymore. I wish that I could just have a pass to obvserve. I can just sit in any situation, any crowd, not have to say a word and just watch. That people will just let me watch and take it all in. Noone will bother me, noone will talk to me, but i'll be there. In the middle of it all. They will still know i'm there, but they just let me be. And they'll respect me and love me, but no words are necessary.

I believe too often there are too many words. Just too much. Too many words loses my interest.

scene on the bus- love stays hurting

I was sitting in my individual seat on the m23 bus as a man sits 3 seats in front of me and then a girl walks in and sits in one seat in front of me. I couldn't make out what she was saying, but she was frantically fidgeting and talking on her phone. All i knew was that it was an emotional call for this girl. The guy sitting 2 seats away from her stares forward in silence. She on the other hand would not stop fidgeting. I stared at her for a split second because that's all the time she gave me before she caught my eye and i could feel an overwhelming uncomfortability she all of a sudden was engulfed with. So i look the other way to give her a sense of security in her surrounding. I then decided to look out the window where i continued to watch her through her reflection the rest of the ride. As she got off the phone, her manenrisms continued. She would flip open the phone, scroll down 3 times, a timer or lock icon would come up and th en she would look away as if about to cry. She would continue this routine 3-4 more times until she finally put her phone away. Each time fighting her tears. She could not stop moving around her seat, clenching her jaws, sucking/biting her lips. Every so often i caught her wipe her eyes before a tear would come down. She continued to move back and forth in her chair, move things around in her purse, taking her hair down from the ponytail it was in and keep brushing her hand through her hair. This uneasy constant fidget would continue for the next 10 minutes or so. She was a very pretty girl too, but you could tell she was just fighting whatever she was feeling because she was so consumed with an emotion that you can tell that's all she was feeling. She probably didn't even realize there were people on that bus. Then i hear something. I hear the older man, probably in his 50s, next to her say something in his awkward higher pitched voice. I thought he was crazy. I thought he was just like any other guys i've seen many time in new york on public transportation who talks out loud in their own self monologue. But as he kept on saying one liners, i noticed she slowly looked his way, gravitated a little and in time i finally could hear little bits of his ramblings. I heard the word "boyfriend" , "sad", "it's hard", "it hurts", "sorry". Those few words were all i needed to eavesdrop on. As she continue to fidget and as this man continued to say these things in their awkward conversation which was between two strangers , one throwing out little liners and the other just nodding every so often and would look away in tears. Every little phrase he said, she woudl rock back and forht in her seat and move to keep those tears from coming out. With increments of silence in between each sayings. During a few of those silence, this old man would himself move his finger beneath his glasses and wipe his eyes. After 5 minutes or so, it was her stop. She gets up...shakes her head, pull back the tears, shake anything she was feeling off and exited the bus. Through my window i see her walk up to this guy, he gives her a hug and kiss on the lips and they walk off. I thought to myself, "Did he know how hurt and emotional she was right before she got off that bus and into his arms?" "Did it matter?" "Would he ever know?" As my mind kept on filling itself wiht more and more questions and self made answers or creations of scenarios, i turned my head back inot hte bus and i see the old man before me. He remained face forward, his back to the window, never seeing where that girl went or how she had walked off with the guy whom i believed to of had hurt her. In his thoughts he slowly reaches his finger once again under his glasses and wipe his eyes. This whold scene had impacted me in a way where none of it made sense, but at the same time everything did inside. All i felt or thought was love that hurts. Love hurts. Memory hurts. Feelings hurt. We all hurt and we all carry that around whether in silence or for just too long. The old man gets off at the next stop after the one that girl got off of and I got off the one after that.

i can't seem to be a woman or a man

I don't know how guys do it, if i was a guy, i would've exploded already. Literally. like million pieces of me scattered across new york city in the middle of times square.

Lately, i've been bombarded by "girls". That's right...their emotional craziness/drama/neuroticism/paraonia/unreasonable dilemmas. I am sooooo sick of hearing the same stories, the mild problems turned into huge drama that doesn't have to be. I can't handle it anymore. This plethora of petty and meaningless drama of theirs has bombarded me completely where i have no room to breathe even and somehow kicked me into a mild case of depression.

I have my own life to live, i don't want to be burdened and annoyed and irritated into this hole that i'm stuck in because of their petty dramas. Gosh. MAN UP!!!! things don't have to be that complicated. Why make drama out of everything? Why are you so self-absorbed? Just livve and let the big things be problems to overcome or to rise above rather than wasting your time and energy, and MY ENERGY, on such petty and easily solved issue.

i just want to scream. i just want to hide. i just want to be in a land full of sane boys who just like to have fun in life and not be sensitive to everything.

will i ever find anyone in the same boat as me? who sees things just like me? i think i need that. at least to some extent.

help. this is my cry for help.
annoyance has officially taken over me.
i've fallen into a slump.

when enough is enough

I found myself wanting to throw up earlier today
over thoughts that I unhealthly bring upon myself.
i can't believe i still can't get over it
i can't believe i'm still affected
i can't believe that feeling is still so strong.

so i've decided to commit for one year
complete abandonment
for good this time, for a year. then we'll see.

in the meantime, i will be filling the new void
with things i've always wanted to do.
hobbies i love
hobbies i'm inspired by
hobbies i crave
hobbies i'm passionate of

farewell pain, welcome life.

who knows, this might allow me to succeed in one of these many hobbies i have

easily irritable

This morning everything bothered me,
I don't know whether it was because I was surrounded by annoying situations
or my nerves and sensitivity was getting the best of me.
Through the high volumed ipod
somehow the blabbing from the guy next to me on the subway made my blood boil
Finally his stop came and to my horror and added annoyance,
he leaves his morning newspaper on the bench behind him.
A litterer and an obnoxious talker.
The subway ride on the L was less than pleasant.
I don't understand drivers who likes to brake every other second.
I just don't get it and my inability to understand make me even more bothered.
Also is everyone just walking slower than usual today????

i don't think aunt flo's visiting....sigh. does this mean i have turned into a new yorker?

small on toilet big on determination

when i sit on the toilet at my new work, my feet doesn't touch the ground.
Am I really that small?

or is it just NY? i'm small in NY.

that will change by year's end. i'm determined. i won't let this city engulf me, i will engulf it. by committing and finishing things i start and not be scared or lazy to start. i think that's the secret formula to my life success.

wow...all this from a simple observation in the bathroom stall.

inspirations

i enjoy those
wisely chosen words,
observing those
silent nature calls,
understanding those
hypocrytical human dualities,
witnessing those
hidden private mannerisms of freedom,
partaking in
uncontrollable whirlwind of chromatic creations,
indulging in those,
passionate self-induced ideologies

and much more. entirety of existence and non-existence. phenomenon of the soul in contact with environment.

i can't breathe

every time my thought wanders into that territory
my throat clenches itself
my lungs get heavy
my heart screams to be numbed
thoughts of death seems like glimpses of heaven
why can't it be over
why can't i escape this
why must i ache
i thought i had finally reached the point
where i'm above it all,
i'm over it,
i'm at peace
only to find the cancer plagues me all over again
memories of us makes me sick
i can't breathe.

nothing...sometimes you just see nothing.

why do people forget people eventually?

starbuck's virgin

I was in line today at starbuck's
this guy and his family was in front of me
he lifts the front glass cover to the food section and attempts to grab for a stale breakfast sandwich unknowingly that it's a prop food
the woman behind the counter yells at him and points out his erroneous mistake
he gets to the front of the line
it's finally his turn to order
he orders a lemonade
then he attempts to order a decaf coffee completely confused what venti is
he takes another 5-10 min to order
finally getting his lemonade, sandwich and coffee.

i never thought i'd live the day to see in america let alone the world,
someone who's so lost as he was at STARBUCK'S!!!!

that was 20 min of my life amused and confused.

then it was my turn and they ran out of green tea AND corn syrup.
my turn to be lost.

it's been a while

once again, i am so bad at commitments.
i thought i could be committed to this blog, but obviously, i failed again.

BUT i'm willing to try again, just not daily. that's too much for me. =P

so today's thoughts...

i found myself missing him again lately. it's been so long and i'm in a whole other environment and situation, but still, i think about him a lot.
it's like i can never get away, which i know is what i need.
but the memory of him or people who's in both our lives pop up sporadically.

i can never really get far away enough from him, why?

when will this stop....when will it not affect me anymore?

plus...he's a loser with possibility though.

nice to everyone, but me. why? i don't think i'll ever get that question answered.

4-26 West side vs East side

Arriving early this morning into Burbank, i had forgotten what it's like.
Not that i've been in New York for that long,
but the vibe and people are so different.

I automatically felt it.
It's amazing how environment has so much effect on the centripetal force
it's great to be back, but it's also very diff.
and i don't know if it's in a good or bad way

i just started getting accustomed to New York


i haven't had a bum sighting yet, whereas in new york, it's inevitable.

also everyone here has great bodies! i forgotten about that. makes me want to hide.

4-23 one year ago, diff. place

A year ago, i was on the street roofied out on Hollywood Blvd. I was also emotionally controlled by a guy whom I had strong feelings for as much as i denied it.

Present time, remembering that day, made me smile. Even though it has only been a little over a week, i'm so proud of myself. I had finally let go of my cancer. It's good when you see that you're finally was strong enough to let go of someone you had held so high up in your life, but was incredibly damaging to your self-respect.

This sensation that brings my smile is worth so much. i will NOT find myself back in that place on the streets of Hollywood Blvd scarred by that day and whom i always refer that day to.

4-20 memory stays in our untapped storage

i woke up this morning fresh from dreaming. In my dream, i was talking to this girl (whom in reality i have awkward feelings about and have a weird history with) who was trying to say something in Chinese and having me figure out if i can tell the difference between two Chinese dialect. In this dream, we were reading off a paper with chinese words and a few ping ying. Anyways, she started reading words and some of these were really really hard ones. Not your every day words. My puzzlement when i woke up was, how was i able to know this in my dream. I mean i know in my life i have heard these words before, but i can't say it back to you now for the love of god, because I believe i didn't retain it. But now i'm questioning, do you think that in our mind, everything we've come in contact with in life stays in our memory, but a lot of it is just stored up in a space where it's untapped because it's so hard to get to. But in your dreams, somehow, that untapped space is opened up and used??? OR the other alternative, is possibly, dreams are such a mystery in its content that what I thought was real, like what i thought was the correct saying of the word wasn't really in my dream, but my mind just told me it was. That my mind made me believe something else was happening.

Personally I like to believe my first theory. how great is that, it gives me hope that i actually own all my memories/knowledge, that it's not lost. But just untapped. but somehow I might be able to train myself to tap into that storage space inside my head because in the end, it's there.

Ofcourse, in my dream i also do remember that when this girl told me "i'm (something that idon't remember, i think some sort of Chinese nationality), oppose to what your dad might of told you." Now this girl i know in reality does NOT know my dad and when she was telling me this, i know whom she was actually referring to from a feeling i had in my (heart?)/(gut?) and it was this one guy that's our 2 degrees of separation and reason for why she was probably in my dream. But in the end, i do remember that she said "dad". Now why would my mind dream such a contortion?

I guess that show my memory is not as reliable in my dream when it can make absolute nonsense at the same time.

4-19 When you drown out the noise...

I sat down on the L, a guy in a long black wool coat stood in front of me. A cart full of strangers forces you to isolate yourself somehow and go into this deep space of your own solitude and thoughts. It also forces you to focus on specific matters/objects. The man in front of me had wrinkles on his coat, but only the lower half. The upper half of his coat was completely smooth and ironed. It causes me to think, was he sitting down in the previous train? This continued to fascinate me till my A-C-E transfer. I'm perplexed to see how when you silence something, you gain sight of something else. Focus is nice sometime in the busyness of new york and life in general.

In some eerie parallel, i have found myself very recently needing to silence a bad part of my life, so that i can gain sight of something better. There's something about that phrase of "sometimes you have to let go to move forward." forward is a good place to go. i could not of made a wiser choice.

wool coat to important life decisions. who would've ever thought.



Something else that caught my attention today, ever notice those plastic bags that always get caught in trees. I don't know why, but they always catch my attention and i feel like there's something to figure out about that. I still have yet to figure that out, but it makes me just stand and stare. I feel like there's so much character in that one lonely plastic bag blown about from the wind, but still manages to hold on to that leafless tree branch. That's character there. If plastic bags had soul, that would be human resilience.

4-18 the bubble blower

As I rode the subway home from work tonight, I sat across from a guy in an orange lined and green shelled puffy jacket who blew saliva bubbles throughout my whole ride.

it was beautiful. to see him in his own world, taking what's inside of him and blowing it out to the world.

sometimes i wish i can be as carefree and caught in my own world of child happiness. taking a simple hobby and delivering it in public. wonder if i ever did that in my life....

Genesis

While i still have the ability to see, I choose to be bewildered and amazed by everything i set my eyes on.
I chose to grasp from observations.
In New York, it is a visual nirvana where I have unlimited characters to thrive on.
I hope to capture an essence of memory each day from a vision