Tuesday, October 23, 2007

scene on the bus- love stays hurting

I was sitting in my individual seat on the m23 bus as a man sits 3 seats in front of me and then a girl walks in and sits in one seat in front of me. I couldn't make out what she was saying, but she was frantically fidgeting and talking on her phone. All i knew was that it was an emotional call for this girl. The guy sitting 2 seats away from her stares forward in silence. She on the other hand would not stop fidgeting. I stared at her for a split second because that's all the time she gave me before she caught my eye and i could feel an overwhelming uncomfortability she all of a sudden was engulfed with. So i look the other way to give her a sense of security in her surrounding. I then decided to look out the window where i continued to watch her through her reflection the rest of the ride. As she got off the phone, her manenrisms continued. She would flip open the phone, scroll down 3 times, a timer or lock icon would come up and th en she would look away as if about to cry. She would continue this routine 3-4 more times until she finally put her phone away. Each time fighting her tears. She could not stop moving around her seat, clenching her jaws, sucking/biting her lips. Every so often i caught her wipe her eyes before a tear would come down. She continued to move back and forth in her chair, move things around in her purse, taking her hair down from the ponytail it was in and keep brushing her hand through her hair. This uneasy constant fidget would continue for the next 10 minutes or so. She was a very pretty girl too, but you could tell she was just fighting whatever she was feeling because she was so consumed with an emotion that you can tell that's all she was feeling. She probably didn't even realize there were people on that bus. Then i hear something. I hear the older man, probably in his 50s, next to her say something in his awkward higher pitched voice. I thought he was crazy. I thought he was just like any other guys i've seen many time in new york on public transportation who talks out loud in their own self monologue. But as he kept on saying one liners, i noticed she slowly looked his way, gravitated a little and in time i finally could hear little bits of his ramblings. I heard the word "boyfriend" , "sad", "it's hard", "it hurts", "sorry". Those few words were all i needed to eavesdrop on. As she continue to fidget and as this man continued to say these things in their awkward conversation which was between two strangers , one throwing out little liners and the other just nodding every so often and would look away in tears. Every little phrase he said, she woudl rock back and forht in her seat and move to keep those tears from coming out. With increments of silence in between each sayings. During a few of those silence, this old man would himself move his finger beneath his glasses and wipe his eyes. After 5 minutes or so, it was her stop. She gets up...shakes her head, pull back the tears, shake anything she was feeling off and exited the bus. Through my window i see her walk up to this guy, he gives her a hug and kiss on the lips and they walk off. I thought to myself, "Did he know how hurt and emotional she was right before she got off that bus and into his arms?" "Did it matter?" "Would he ever know?" As my mind kept on filling itself wiht more and more questions and self made answers or creations of scenarios, i turned my head back inot hte bus and i see the old man before me. He remained face forward, his back to the window, never seeing where that girl went or how she had walked off with the guy whom i believed to of had hurt her. In his thoughts he slowly reaches his finger once again under his glasses and wipe his eyes. This whold scene had impacted me in a way where none of it made sense, but at the same time everything did inside. All i felt or thought was love that hurts. Love hurts. Memory hurts. Feelings hurt. We all hurt and we all carry that around whether in silence or for just too long. The old man gets off at the next stop after the one that girl got off of and I got off the one after that.

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Daily observations accumulated becomes inspirations

i want to remember.... these are my sightings.... how can you let your soul not be touched....